The devil stole it, I'm sure of it. Who else would take my motivation away when I have a perfectly wonderful life? I'm being tempted these days, and I don't appreciate it.
I have no motivation when it comes to my job these days. The new job smell has worn off, and I'm left feeling less than enthused. I wouldn't say I hate my job, it just doesn't make me happy. I don't like getting up early and going in, I don't like doing the work, I don't like my work-trip dates being changed constantly (mine just got pushed forward ohhhhh about 6 more months), I don't like having little to no responsibility, and most of all, I don't like being unimportant. I understand I sound like a petulant child, stomping around with my hands over my ears, screaming, and that's exactly how I meant to sound. That's honest. That's the true me right now. I...am....pouting.
Let me back up a little for you, and me, to reminisce about the times when I was someone. At my last job, every phone call that came into the office was for me. Any question that needed answering, I answered it. I was trusted more than I should've been, given my rank. I had great responsibility; Everyday there were multiple things to be done that I had to do. I was depended on. I had MORE work than I needed to fill up a day. I complained to my husband how stressed out I was, ohhhhhh I just can't seem to get it all done. I was the go-to guy. I was necessary.
Not now. Not at all.
I know it is so self involved of me to be saying all this, but I have to come to terms with just how childish I'm being so that I can work through this mess and figure out what to pray for. I miss so much being necessary. There is approximately 1 person that I work with that knows I'm good at what I do. The place is so compartmentalized, I barely know what the person sitting next to me is doing. I don't exactly operate like that. I'm friendly, dammit. I need to be social. Part of what I loved about my last job so much is the rewards/awards. I need that in my life. Because I'm a child. I need to know that people think I'm doing a good job. I need to know that I'm relevant. That's allllll the Army was about. Actually, a little to much so, to the point where people work towards the award and nothing else. I need a happy medium. Let's just say that in a world of flair, I need to have at least 110 pieces to feel good about myself. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, kick yourself, then watch Office Space.) Doesn't everybody need that to an extent though? Don't you need some sort of encouragement to excel? Or are you just expected to excel without a pat on the head? Is there an adulthood handbook out there that I missed? "How To Be An Adult." Or, "Looks Like You're Approaching 30...Better Start Acting Like It." I miss the Master Sergeant's and Sergeant's Major of my life that gave me all the self-gratification I needed. Not surprisingly, my only fan at work was a Master Sergeant in another life.
Okay, I'm unnecessary. Next, I'm unimportant. I've never exactly blended in with my peers. I'm usually a little smarter, a lot more motivated, a harder worker, and much funnier (obviously.) I've gotten used to my lot in life as a favorite. So now a lonely nerd in a sea of nerds. There's like 300 people that do exactly what I do. How can I stand out in that? I haven't figured it out yet. I almost passed out from hitting my elbow a couple of days ago, that's pretty much the only thing that makes me different from everyone else. It's not exactly cool to be known as the lunatic who passes out at random times. (Sorry, sister) Being a nobody has given my self-worth a hit. I know it shouldn't, but it has none the less.
Unnecessary. Unimportant. Friendless. No friends. The BEST part of work to me has always been the great friends you make. I spend the majority of my day at work, and I have nobody there to relate to. What I mean when I say relate to is...women...there are no women. There are a couple, and they seem very nice, but I feel like if I did try and talk to them on a serious note I would smother them with my friendlessness. Time-out, let me first say that I am truly blessed to have the friends I do have here with me...but Ryan and Khara can't come to work with me. When I think back to school and the jobs I've had...man, I have made the best of friends. But now, while I do work with some people that are completely enjoyable, I don't have any girlfriends that I can talk everyday, all day, and I miss it. While I understand that I should be more concentrated on working than friends, it's nice to work with people you can laugh and talk with so that you actually look forward to going to work everyday. Where are the Katie Glaze's of my life? Where are the Kosha Tucker's? The Erin Biggio's (Wrenn)? The Joy McIntosh's? The Tara Lueneberg's? Ohhhhh me. Maybe I have run out of dear friends. Maybe the Lord has cut me off. I have had more than my share, I guess. But please Lord? Just one more?
(On a side note, thank GOD for my pen-pals that keep me going at work. You all know who you are, but special thanks to Collin and Josh, 2 of the dearest friends a girl could have. Love you guys.)
So, I know this is a depressing post, and I try not to do many of those, but I need some support and help. What can I do? How can I find my motivation again? Is it gone? Is this just the wrong job for me? Am I still just sad that I'm not a soldier anymore? I need some prayers, a friend, and some daily affirmations or something. Lord.
I pray that I grow up.
That I stop being so selfish.
That I stay thankful for at least having a job when so many do not.
That I don't need someone telling me I'm great to continue to work.
That I make a friend.
That I love this job as much as I once did.
That I get the feeling back that I can make a difference.
That I make a difference.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
You, 10 Years Ago
Oprah had George W. Bush on her show recently. Maybe even today, I don't know because I DVR everything and have no idea what the original air date is. It was a very interesting interview, seeing someone that has been in the public eye for so long, be so candid about his failures and successes. Amazing insight. At one point Oprah showed a clip of GW last time he was on her show, 10 years ago, right after he won his first term as President. He looked so young, hopeful. He had no idea what his life was going to be like for the next 8 years. I didn't look at him as a President that I voted for and genuinely liked, I looked at him as any President of the US. How hard must it be? Making decisions that are going to make one group or another hate you, always. These leaders, they need prayers more than most. So, before I really get into this blog, pray for President Obama and his family. What a tough family to be.
Oprah asked GW, "What would you have told yourself, 10 years ago, the first time you were on my show, knowing what you know now? What advice would you have given him?" Now, I know I'm not the President, but retrospect is an important tool for anyone. So, what would we have told ourselves 10 years ago, knowing what we know now? For me? I have a couple...:
-Study history more. FILL your brain with it. You have no idea how important it will be to you in the future.
-You're all wrong about how you perceive yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are. And, although your tough act is mostly a front, you'll turn out so much more tough than any toughness you could ever fathom. And yes, you are smarter than most...embrace it.
-Invest in Apple. All $17 to your name.
-All the life decisions you'll make are the right ones, just stand behind them with more confidence. People will trust your decisions more when you're confident in them.
-You're going to drop out of college, and it's okay. It isn't right for you, right now. However, don't act like everyone is out of their minds when they tell you it's a dumb move. Agree with them, just let them know God has something different planned for you.
-September 11th, 2001 will change lives, and it will also change the whole course of your life. As painful as it is, harness that anger...you'll turn it into something muuuuuch more constructive one day.
-Find a female bum on the street. Give her drugs, a disgusting loser boyfriend, and shave her head. Next, track down Britney Spears and tell her you have come from the future and brought her future self with you to save her from an astonishing fall from grace. Then, tell her one day she'll have a song called "Womanizer" and it will be ultra catchy.
-For all the guys you think you're in love with....girl, please. Wait until 2007. You won't even know what hit you.
-Research any/all mind strengthening exercises and self confidence strengthening exercises. If you don't, years later when you're literally punching walls in madness, you'll remember what I said and understand.
-I know right now you think beer and wine are icky....don't be such a snob. Later in life you'll learn that in moderation, they are deeeeelicious.
-Right now, anything you think you know about pain and loss is insignificant...it gets worse. But, you will always make it through, even if you don't think you can, God has much more planned for you.
-Go find Grandma Winnie, and hug her until her eyes pop out. She won't be around much longer.
-Your credit is as important as mom and dad say it is.
-You'll experience situations where you feel evil in the air. You're going to be scared, because up until then all you've known is love, but it will pass. God always prevails. But, never forget the way that evil felt, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to save other people from it.
-You are wrong about Prince William, he is not the cute brother. Shift focus immediately.
I hope in another 10 years, I can look at this and do an update. Hopefully, the theme of it will be "Marriage and Parenting aren't as hard as everyone says it is. Congratulations super-wife." We'll see.
What would you tell yourself 10 years ago? I would really like to know! Post it as a comment or email me, I'd love to know people are as crazy as I am. Until tomorrow, friends, when my Ryan will be home :)
Oprah asked GW, "What would you have told yourself, 10 years ago, the first time you were on my show, knowing what you know now? What advice would you have given him?" Now, I know I'm not the President, but retrospect is an important tool for anyone. So, what would we have told ourselves 10 years ago, knowing what we know now? For me? I have a couple...:
-Study history more. FILL your brain with it. You have no idea how important it will be to you in the future.
-You're all wrong about how you perceive yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are. And, although your tough act is mostly a front, you'll turn out so much more tough than any toughness you could ever fathom. And yes, you are smarter than most...embrace it.
-Invest in Apple. All $17 to your name.
-All the life decisions you'll make are the right ones, just stand behind them with more confidence. People will trust your decisions more when you're confident in them.
-You're going to drop out of college, and it's okay. It isn't right for you, right now. However, don't act like everyone is out of their minds when they tell you it's a dumb move. Agree with them, just let them know God has something different planned for you.
-September 11th, 2001 will change lives, and it will also change the whole course of your life. As painful as it is, harness that anger...you'll turn it into something muuuuuch more constructive one day.
-Find a female bum on the street. Give her drugs, a disgusting loser boyfriend, and shave her head. Next, track down Britney Spears and tell her you have come from the future and brought her future self with you to save her from an astonishing fall from grace. Then, tell her one day she'll have a song called "Womanizer" and it will be ultra catchy.
-For all the guys you think you're in love with....girl, please. Wait until 2007. You won't even know what hit you.
-Research any/all mind strengthening exercises and self confidence strengthening exercises. If you don't, years later when you're literally punching walls in madness, you'll remember what I said and understand.
-I know right now you think beer and wine are icky....don't be such a snob. Later in life you'll learn that in moderation, they are deeeeelicious.
-Right now, anything you think you know about pain and loss is insignificant...it gets worse. But, you will always make it through, even if you don't think you can, God has much more planned for you.
-Go find Grandma Winnie, and hug her until her eyes pop out. She won't be around much longer.
-Your credit is as important as mom and dad say it is.
-You'll experience situations where you feel evil in the air. You're going to be scared, because up until then all you've known is love, but it will pass. God always prevails. But, never forget the way that evil felt, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to save other people from it.
-You are wrong about Prince William, he is not the cute brother. Shift focus immediately.
I hope in another 10 years, I can look at this and do an update. Hopefully, the theme of it will be "Marriage and Parenting aren't as hard as everyone says it is. Congratulations super-wife." We'll see.
What would you tell yourself 10 years ago? I would really like to know! Post it as a comment or email me, I'd love to know people are as crazy as I am. Until tomorrow, friends, when my Ryan will be home :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
When Ryan gets back to Virginia...
So, my friend Khara (Baby Momma Chronicles) and I used to play a game when we were in the military. When we were far from home, in the depths of despair, with no hope in sight, we would play "When I get back to Fort Hood..." Granted, Fort Hood isn't that lovely a place to most people, but wait until you're sitting out in the middle of the Mojave Desert or the Louisiana Swamps for a month, or even worse, Iraq for a year. Fort Hood becomes the Mecca (no pun intended) for all that is good and fun and relaxing. Well, my current Mecca is wherever Ryan is. It's only 2 more days till he's here, and I've reverted to "When Ryan gets back to Virginia..." Yup, it must be getting bleak. Yup, I think it is.
When Ryan gets back to Virgina:
I won't deal with Romeo for at least 3 weeks.
I won't pick up linoleum poop, chewed up shoes or random trash that Romeo collects in the middle of our yard.
I won't talk to a landlord who tells me Romeo is a Menace to Society. Actually, I won't talk to a landlord at all. Ever.
I won't get my oil changed. Yes, I'm sexist. That is his job.
I won't drive a big Dodge -louder than hell- truck to work.
I won't get hissed at by Hispanics in the grocery store.
I won't eat wings alone.
I won't come home to a cold house.
I won't go to sleep in a cold bed.
I will actually eat meals, because I'm cooking them for Ryan, rather than eat potato chips and pickles for every meal.
I won't eat lunch alone, at my desk, in the basement anymore.
I will laugh more.
I will love life more.
I will go to church more.
I will watch football more. (I think that was in our vows)
Ryan will watch American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance and anything that doesn't enrich your life at all. (That was in our vows too)
I'll have my best friend back.
I'll have my best puppy back...i miss you Banjo. Screw you Romeo.
I'll be even more excited to go to NC on the weekends, because then I'll have everyone I love in one place.
Khara and I can have a babysitter so we can have a night out without the sweet baby girl :)
I'll get to hold hands with my honey while watching TV.
I'm sure there's more, I'll edit them as they come to mind. I just needed to vent a little tonight. So close to the end gets even harder for some reason. Khara, thanks for giving us this game...I'm sure you need to play it too. When Todd gets back to Virginia... :)
Ryan, come home soon and come home safely. Love you 100.
When Ryan gets back to Virgina:
I won't deal with Romeo for at least 3 weeks.
I won't pick up linoleum poop, chewed up shoes or random trash that Romeo collects in the middle of our yard.
I won't talk to a landlord who tells me Romeo is a Menace to Society. Actually, I won't talk to a landlord at all. Ever.
I won't get my oil changed. Yes, I'm sexist. That is his job.
I won't drive a big Dodge -louder than hell- truck to work.
I won't get hissed at by Hispanics in the grocery store.
I won't eat wings alone.
I won't come home to a cold house.
I won't go to sleep in a cold bed.
I will actually eat meals, because I'm cooking them for Ryan, rather than eat potato chips and pickles for every meal.
I won't eat lunch alone, at my desk, in the basement anymore.
I will laugh more.
I will love life more.
I will go to church more.
I will watch football more. (I think that was in our vows)
Ryan will watch American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance and anything that doesn't enrich your life at all. (That was in our vows too)
I'll have my best friend back.
I'll have my best puppy back...i miss you Banjo. Screw you Romeo.
I'll be even more excited to go to NC on the weekends, because then I'll have everyone I love in one place.
Khara and I can have a babysitter so we can have a night out without the sweet baby girl :)
I'll get to hold hands with my honey while watching TV.
I'm sure there's more, I'll edit them as they come to mind. I just needed to vent a little tonight. So close to the end gets even harder for some reason. Khara, thanks for giving us this game...I'm sure you need to play it too. When Todd gets back to Virginia... :)
Ryan, come home soon and come home safely. Love you 100.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
To My One Year Husband
Dear Husband,
Thank you for marrying me one year ago today in the Bell County Courthouse in front of friends and that one criminal. If the first year of marriage is the hardest like they say, I feel like we have just gotten away with murder...probably like that one criminal. You saved me from so much unhappiness my love and I will forever be thankful to God for sending you into my life at the perfect time. We both know that there are going to be some tough times in our life together, and I can't promise I will always be nice and sweet to you, but I will tell you that I know we can survive those hard times and I CAN promise that I will always be sorry if I am less than nice and sweet to you...eventually. Thank you for always snapping me out of my bad days, and for not giving up when I tell you to quit trying to snap me out of the even worse days. Thank you for taking away my sadness and nightmares after the hard times we've seen...no one else on earth could do for me what you have done for me. You are beyond irreplaceable. Thank you for always taking my side, except when the other side is yours. And thank you for agreeing with me in the end, anyway. Thank you for being so strong, concerning everything. Thank you for letting me drive your truck for the past 2 months even though I feel like a lesbian. Thank you for fixing things when I would rather pout. Thank you for marrying me anyway, even though more than one person asked you if you understood what you were getting into. And most importantly, thank you for the future years we will have together. Let us always remember to make the best of them. I love you dear. Happy Anniversary.
Now everyone who is reading this: Go download Ray Lamontogne's "Hold You in My Arms." It is our song, and I promise it will give you twinkly eyes thinking about the one you love. If you don't have one to love, pray for someone like Ryan to come into your life.
Thank you for marrying me one year ago today in the Bell County Courthouse in front of friends and that one criminal. If the first year of marriage is the hardest like they say, I feel like we have just gotten away with murder...probably like that one criminal. You saved me from so much unhappiness my love and I will forever be thankful to God for sending you into my life at the perfect time. We both know that there are going to be some tough times in our life together, and I can't promise I will always be nice and sweet to you, but I will tell you that I know we can survive those hard times and I CAN promise that I will always be sorry if I am less than nice and sweet to you...eventually. Thank you for always snapping me out of my bad days, and for not giving up when I tell you to quit trying to snap me out of the even worse days. Thank you for taking away my sadness and nightmares after the hard times we've seen...no one else on earth could do for me what you have done for me. You are beyond irreplaceable. Thank you for always taking my side, except when the other side is yours. And thank you for agreeing with me in the end, anyway. Thank you for being so strong, concerning everything. Thank you for letting me drive your truck for the past 2 months even though I feel like a lesbian. Thank you for fixing things when I would rather pout. Thank you for marrying me anyway, even though more than one person asked you if you understood what you were getting into. And most importantly, thank you for the future years we will have together. Let us always remember to make the best of them. I love you dear. Happy Anniversary.
Now everyone who is reading this: Go download Ray Lamontogne's "Hold You in My Arms." It is our song, and I promise it will give you twinkly eyes thinking about the one you love. If you don't have one to love, pray for someone like Ryan to come into your life.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Serial Computer Killer
I have an IPAD! Didn't I tell you? It's so fancy. I love that it's so flat and light, you can take it anywhere with you. Let me show you a picture of it. Sorry, I'm just so proud of it!
What? No, that's not a regular laptop laid completely flattened out. Laptops can't even do that.
Okay, obviously, this is my cracker-jack laptop that I like to call my IPAD because it is too crappy to sit up like a normal screen. ISHIT would be more fitting. I would like you to notice the left side of the computer, where the screen meets the keyboard. Here, I'll give you a close up.
I have this problem: My past 2 laptops both somehow met their maker by the same fate. The screens fell off. What are the chances? It couldn't have been something I did, could it? I really don't think so. I'm so responsible when it comes to expensive belongings, it couldn't have been anything I did to them. Well, let me show you how I transport my computers from one place to another.
So, I'm hoping you get from my sarcastic-laden post that I know I have a problem. One screen falls off of my computer, and it could be a combination of my negligence and a crappy computer. But two? Two computers meeting the same fate? It's me. I know it's me. I've been punishing myself by using my ISHIT for months now, because I don't deserve another computer. My husband disagreed with me and picked out a new one for me though! I got it in the mail today! It's glorious! He did take a small part in ruining my latest one...by plugging it in while in Mexico...and now it only works when it's plugged in. But, I did the majority of the abuse. It's really one hell of an ISHIT. I feel like all Ryan is doing is feeding the problem, really not facing the facts. I just don't take care of most things I own. In the case of computers, I feel I can be compared to Drew Peterson. Google "Drew Peterson, wife killer" and you'll get the full story. He beat his first and second wives, and then killed his third and fourth wives. And guess what, he's got a fifth wife in the making. My ISHIT is my fourth wife, and the new fancy computer that Ryan bought me is my fifth wife in the making. She doesn't even know what's coming to her. Maybe she should have asked around or asked Greta Van Susternan for the dish before she decided to come live with me. It's not my fault she doesn't do her research. I'll let you know how this one turns out. I'm sure I'll be on truTV in no time. Me and Drew Peterson...and Charlie Sheen. We never learn.
Okay, obviously, this is my cracker-jack laptop that I like to call my IPAD because it is too crappy to sit up like a normal screen. ISHIT would be more fitting. I would like you to notice the left side of the computer, where the screen meets the keyboard. Here, I'll give you a close up.
Right, I pick it up by the left corner of the screen and carry it around. It's very handy. But, I'll be damned, after having computers for only a couple of months, the screen just goes and falls off! I'll never understand it! I'm just going to keep on doing what I do with the hopes that my next computer will be a quality one.
So, I'm hoping you get from my sarcastic-laden post that I know I have a problem. One screen falls off of my computer, and it could be a combination of my negligence and a crappy computer. But two? Two computers meeting the same fate? It's me. I know it's me. I've been punishing myself by using my ISHIT for months now, because I don't deserve another computer. My husband disagreed with me and picked out a new one for me though! I got it in the mail today! It's glorious! He did take a small part in ruining my latest one...by plugging it in while in Mexico...and now it only works when it's plugged in. But, I did the majority of the abuse. It's really one hell of an ISHIT. I feel like all Ryan is doing is feeding the problem, really not facing the facts. I just don't take care of most things I own. In the case of computers, I feel I can be compared to Drew Peterson. Google "Drew Peterson, wife killer" and you'll get the full story. He beat his first and second wives, and then killed his third and fourth wives. And guess what, he's got a fifth wife in the making. My ISHIT is my fourth wife, and the new fancy computer that Ryan bought me is my fifth wife in the making. She doesn't even know what's coming to her. Maybe she should have asked around or asked Greta Van Susternan for the dish before she decided to come live with me. It's not my fault she doesn't do her research. I'll let you know how this one turns out. I'm sure I'll be on truTV in no time. Me and Drew Peterson...and Charlie Sheen. We never learn.
Tomorrow Changes Lives
A year ago today, I was head over heals in love with my boyfriend. A year ago tomorrow, I was a newlywed. Crazy, huh? Not to us. It was so...us. We knew we wanted to marry each other for months at that point, but we had never really talked about when. Turns out it was tomorrow! We went from engaged to married in a matter of hours. It was perfect. We went to the Bell County Courthouse after work for the wedding festivities. Let me tell you, it is far too easy to get a marriage license in the state of Texas. You don't need witnesses, blood tests, and there is no waiting period. It's like BAM. Automatic everything! Ah, so is the culture of a military town. Anyway, it worked out well for us.
We only told a couple of our friends just hours before we went to the courthouse. Everyone was surprised, but not that surprised. After all, we're perfect for each other :) I think the common understanding about courthouse weddings are that they are for quicky, meaningless weddings. Not for us. For us, it was perfect. It was just as meaningful as your wedding day should be, actually more than it usually is, I believe. Why? We cut out all the stressful wedding planning and coordinating and MONEY and time that we didn't want to deal with. Some people can handle this on their wedding day, I could not, and I knew I didn't want to. I had always thought that eloping might be the right choice for me, turns out it was. After all, to quote my pastor who "re-married" us months later, who quoted "When Harry Met Sally," "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Perfect.
One issue with this day that I didn't deal with until later was family. I didn't tell my family I was getting married that day. Looking back, I wish I could say I regret it, especially since I hurt some people I love, but I don't regret it. My family means the world to me, and I hate disappointing them. I was afraid if I told them we were getting married, they would try to stop us. Not because they didn't agree with it, but because they would've wanted to be there. I didn't want anyone to say "No, no! Wait a couple more days and we'll fly out there" or "No, no! Why don't you just wait a couple months and get married here!" Anything they would have possibly told me would have been valid reactions that I would've given to someone in my position as well. However, I didn't want to think about accommodating anyone. I wanted to marry Ryan and he wanted to marry me. We could've waited, we could've flown to NC or Oregon so our families would be there, but we didn't want to. And honestly, if any day is about us and nobody else, isn't it our wedding day?
My only regret is, I didn't tell them after the fact. I waited a week or so and told everyone we were getting married that day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I guess I didn't want anyone to be mad with me! I have a talent for making crazy life decisions that upset people I love, and I HATE it. I HATE disappointing people and being less than accommodating. So, I do regret that part. I wish I would've called everyone the next day and said "Ryan and I got married yesterday and it was glorious." But, I didn't. I waited weeks, months in some cases to tell everyone the exact day we got married. I started to kind of like the anonymity for some reason. Quite bizarre, can't really explain it. Maybe it was the sense of control over the situation, which I don't have often.
I feel like my blog so far has consisted of venting and making amends with people, and I'm okay with that. So today, is amends, with anyone I wasn't truthful with because I was selfish and scared, to an extent. I'm not sorry we got married the day we did and didn't tell anyone, but I am sorry I didn't let you celebrate with us sooner. Because, really, what a joyous thing to celebrate! So, amends for today is done. But, tomorrow...tomorrow is for love. I reserve tomorrow for love.
We only told a couple of our friends just hours before we went to the courthouse. Everyone was surprised, but not that surprised. After all, we're perfect for each other :) I think the common understanding about courthouse weddings are that they are for quicky, meaningless weddings. Not for us. For us, it was perfect. It was just as meaningful as your wedding day should be, actually more than it usually is, I believe. Why? We cut out all the stressful wedding planning and coordinating and MONEY and time that we didn't want to deal with. Some people can handle this on their wedding day, I could not, and I knew I didn't want to. I had always thought that eloping might be the right choice for me, turns out it was. After all, to quote my pastor who "re-married" us months later, who quoted "When Harry Met Sally," "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Perfect.
One issue with this day that I didn't deal with until later was family. I didn't tell my family I was getting married that day. Looking back, I wish I could say I regret it, especially since I hurt some people I love, but I don't regret it. My family means the world to me, and I hate disappointing them. I was afraid if I told them we were getting married, they would try to stop us. Not because they didn't agree with it, but because they would've wanted to be there. I didn't want anyone to say "No, no! Wait a couple more days and we'll fly out there" or "No, no! Why don't you just wait a couple months and get married here!" Anything they would have possibly told me would have been valid reactions that I would've given to someone in my position as well. However, I didn't want to think about accommodating anyone. I wanted to marry Ryan and he wanted to marry me. We could've waited, we could've flown to NC or Oregon so our families would be there, but we didn't want to. And honestly, if any day is about us and nobody else, isn't it our wedding day?
My only regret is, I didn't tell them after the fact. I waited a week or so and told everyone we were getting married that day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I guess I didn't want anyone to be mad with me! I have a talent for making crazy life decisions that upset people I love, and I HATE it. I HATE disappointing people and being less than accommodating. So, I do regret that part. I wish I would've called everyone the next day and said "Ryan and I got married yesterday and it was glorious." But, I didn't. I waited weeks, months in some cases to tell everyone the exact day we got married. I started to kind of like the anonymity for some reason. Quite bizarre, can't really explain it. Maybe it was the sense of control over the situation, which I don't have often.
I feel like my blog so far has consisted of venting and making amends with people, and I'm okay with that. So today, is amends, with anyone I wasn't truthful with because I was selfish and scared, to an extent. I'm not sorry we got married the day we did and didn't tell anyone, but I am sorry I didn't let you celebrate with us sooner. Because, really, what a joyous thing to celebrate! So, amends for today is done. But, tomorrow...tomorrow is for love. I reserve tomorrow for love.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Where's my "I Didn't Vote Today" Sticker?
No, I did not vote. Nor did I vote early or anything equivalent to voting in today's election. This is something that is uncharacteristic for me. I am typically a "If you didn't vote, don't complain" person. However, this year I felt quite strongly to not vote.
First, I have lived in Texas/Iraq for the past 4 years, am registered to vote in North Carolina, but currently reside in Virginia. I didn't have time to switch my voter registration to Virginia prior to the elections as this is a recent move, but I'm still not sure how I would've voted in VA if I could have. I don't know what VA needs, what VA doesn't need, and what ANY issues are here. Next year, I will. This year, I don't.
Second, I don't know what's going on in NC anymore either! I haven't lived there for 4 years! My dad tried to strong-arm me into voting back at home. (I don't feel bad mentioning this, because it did actually happen, and I don't think he reads my blog...evident by the non comment to my heartfelt thank you to him yesterday haha. Love you dad.) Upon this attempted strong-arm session from my dad, I told him I am uneducated on the situation and the candidates, AND whatever is voted on in NC has no bearing on me because I don't live there anymore. He told me I was stupid and he can just tell me how to vote. I understand, because he is passionate about politics, but I will not vote to be just an extra vote for ANYONE. You know why? Because my parents raised me better than that. Backfire, Pops.
Third, my feelings are somewhat hurt by politics and politicians. I haven't heard anything come out of anyone's mouth that is important to me. I will direct this completely towards National level politics/politicians. Nobody has inspired me to vote in quite sometime, and I'm only 26. For those of you who are thinking that maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, you are wrong. I am well versed. I am confident saying I am more well versed in politics than 98% of anyone who would read my blog. So why exactly does this hurt my feelings? Because I used to have such faith in politics and the system. I believed that these people can affect change in the best ways possible, but it's mostly empty promises. It's not all the politician's fault though; you can't really be a successful politician without selling out. All you hear is these angry "news" shows talking about special interests and lobbyists and contributions and blah blah blah. It's truly unnerving. What I want to know is, where are people that support my special interests? Where are the people that make me proud to have them as a face of my state or my country? Where are the people that make me feel taken care of? Vanished.
When I look back at this rant of mine, I have to ask myself, what are my special interests and who exactly would inspire me again? I don't know the exact person, but I know what I would want them to be like. First though, my special interests. Everyone has them, you should. You need to know what you stand for. What do I stand for? Christianity first and foremost. I would love to see an uber Christian in charge...of everything at every level. I'm not saying I hate other religions, I'm a Christian, we preach love. I'm also not saying that whoever is in charge isn't a Christian, I don't know what's in anyone's heart. But I will tell you, that if you are a Christian, and you're not praying for whoever is in charge because you don't like them, you are 100% wrong. Big time. Anywho, I just want someone that promotes Christianity and the preservation of it. Next, National Defense. Capitalized. This is a big deal people. If you don't think it's a big deal, you don't know the things I know. It's not that you couldn't know these things, go to the library, people. It's all there. Read books, credible news sources, pay attention to what is going on, and you will realize how important it is. If you need a heads up, email me and we'll talk it out.
And now to the person that would, indeed, inspire me. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILITARY LEADERS RUNNING FOR OFFICE? Remember them? I don't, it was before my time. What happened to these amazing Generals with amazing, strategic minds, that have lived through wars and know what is important in life, and to America? I want them back. John McCain, bless your heart, but you are not what I had in mind. These guys are connected to Washington, because they have to be, but their allegiances lie in protecting America, and the American way of life. That's what I want, and what I need to believe in all this again. Of course, a President can surround themselves with great military leaders, but that's not good enough for me. And, I don't think it's happening. Gen McChrystal got canned. He was a great leader, but he spoke out against the President and some policies (technically, it was his staff that spoke out.) Anyone who has been in the military knows that you do not disrespect superior Commissioned Officers, it's a no-no. But, if we're following the Uniform Code of Military Justice theme here, If McChrystal was fired, Bill Clinton should have been prosecuted under UCMJ for lying under oath...False Official Statements...Capitalized. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just saying. Gen. Patraeus? Give me a break. I believe he is highly capable, and probably one of the smartest men on this Earth, but he needs a break. This poor man hasn't spent any measure of time with his family in at least 9 years, and now he's been put in a position that will possibly ruin his great legacy that he deserves. Pray for him, please. Pray for them all.
I've rambled horribly, but today has been weird for me. Not voting was tough for me, because I've been told my whole life TO vote. But I have realized, that I, a US Army Veteran, have earned my right to vote for whomever I want, or not vote at all in this case, without being made to feel bad about it, even by me. I'll vote again, I know I will, when there is someone to vote for. I'll start praying for them now. They'll need it.
First, I have lived in Texas/Iraq for the past 4 years, am registered to vote in North Carolina, but currently reside in Virginia. I didn't have time to switch my voter registration to Virginia prior to the elections as this is a recent move, but I'm still not sure how I would've voted in VA if I could have. I don't know what VA needs, what VA doesn't need, and what ANY issues are here. Next year, I will. This year, I don't.
Second, I don't know what's going on in NC anymore either! I haven't lived there for 4 years! My dad tried to strong-arm me into voting back at home. (I don't feel bad mentioning this, because it did actually happen, and I don't think he reads my blog...evident by the non comment to my heartfelt thank you to him yesterday haha. Love you dad.) Upon this attempted strong-arm session from my dad, I told him I am uneducated on the situation and the candidates, AND whatever is voted on in NC has no bearing on me because I don't live there anymore. He told me I was stupid and he can just tell me how to vote. I understand, because he is passionate about politics, but I will not vote to be just an extra vote for ANYONE. You know why? Because my parents raised me better than that. Backfire, Pops.
Third, my feelings are somewhat hurt by politics and politicians. I haven't heard anything come out of anyone's mouth that is important to me. I will direct this completely towards National level politics/politicians. Nobody has inspired me to vote in quite sometime, and I'm only 26. For those of you who are thinking that maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, you are wrong. I am well versed. I am confident saying I am more well versed in politics than 98% of anyone who would read my blog. So why exactly does this hurt my feelings? Because I used to have such faith in politics and the system. I believed that these people can affect change in the best ways possible, but it's mostly empty promises. It's not all the politician's fault though; you can't really be a successful politician without selling out. All you hear is these angry "news" shows talking about special interests and lobbyists and contributions and blah blah blah. It's truly unnerving. What I want to know is, where are people that support my special interests? Where are the people that make me proud to have them as a face of my state or my country? Where are the people that make me feel taken care of? Vanished.
When I look back at this rant of mine, I have to ask myself, what are my special interests and who exactly would inspire me again? I don't know the exact person, but I know what I would want them to be like. First though, my special interests. Everyone has them, you should. You need to know what you stand for. What do I stand for? Christianity first and foremost. I would love to see an uber Christian in charge...of everything at every level. I'm not saying I hate other religions, I'm a Christian, we preach love. I'm also not saying that whoever is in charge isn't a Christian, I don't know what's in anyone's heart. But I will tell you, that if you are a Christian, and you're not praying for whoever is in charge because you don't like them, you are 100% wrong. Big time. Anywho, I just want someone that promotes Christianity and the preservation of it. Next, National Defense. Capitalized. This is a big deal people. If you don't think it's a big deal, you don't know the things I know. It's not that you couldn't know these things, go to the library, people. It's all there. Read books, credible news sources, pay attention to what is going on, and you will realize how important it is. If you need a heads up, email me and we'll talk it out.
And now to the person that would, indeed, inspire me. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILITARY LEADERS RUNNING FOR OFFICE? Remember them? I don't, it was before my time. What happened to these amazing Generals with amazing, strategic minds, that have lived through wars and know what is important in life, and to America? I want them back. John McCain, bless your heart, but you are not what I had in mind. These guys are connected to Washington, because they have to be, but their allegiances lie in protecting America, and the American way of life. That's what I want, and what I need to believe in all this again. Of course, a President can surround themselves with great military leaders, but that's not good enough for me. And, I don't think it's happening. Gen McChrystal got canned. He was a great leader, but he spoke out against the President and some policies (technically, it was his staff that spoke out.) Anyone who has been in the military knows that you do not disrespect superior Commissioned Officers, it's a no-no. But, if we're following the Uniform Code of Military Justice theme here, If McChrystal was fired, Bill Clinton should have been prosecuted under UCMJ for lying under oath...False Official Statements...Capitalized. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just saying. Gen. Patraeus? Give me a break. I believe he is highly capable, and probably one of the smartest men on this Earth, but he needs a break. This poor man hasn't spent any measure of time with his family in at least 9 years, and now he's been put in a position that will possibly ruin his great legacy that he deserves. Pray for him, please. Pray for them all.
I've rambled horribly, but today has been weird for me. Not voting was tough for me, because I've been told my whole life TO vote. But I have realized, that I, a US Army Veteran, have earned my right to vote for whomever I want, or not vote at all in this case, without being made to feel bad about it, even by me. I'll vote again, I know I will, when there is someone to vote for. I'll start praying for them now. They'll need it.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Forgotten Thank You's
So, if anyone has ever gotten married, you understand the hell that is..."Thank You" cards. Geeze, not just married, Graduation, Baby, Baby again, whatever, you get the picture. Have I ever been as miserable as I was writing all those thank you's? Well, yes, but it's still pretty bad. It's not the fact that I'm thanking people that is so miserble, because Ryan and I really were truly grateful for everything we received and we were even more grateful just to see everyone! But, it was how incredibly time consuming it was. I would dread it everyday when I got home from work. I wanted every single thank you I wrote to be heartfelt and well-thought, because the worst thing to get is a thank you card from someone that says "Thanks. Love, Karen and Ryan." I'm not calling anyone out, because I actually can't think of a time when I received a card like that, but I was afraid I would bestow a horrible card like that on someone that deserved so much more from us. Not sure if you noticed that I keep saying "I" and not "us." This is for two reasons. 1) Men don't typically partake in the lovely "Thank You" card writing tradition. 2) Ryan has the penmanship of our 3 year old nephew Gavin. I may be exaggerating a bit, because I don't think he can write yet. But this I'm sure of, he himself has seen our 7 year old niece Kathryn's handwriting and was shattered. It is that bad. So, I was happy to take on the Thank You note writing, before any of you badmouth my darling husband with inadequate penmanship.
Moving on. It took me a good 3 months to finish all of these Thank You's. I am victorious! I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself. Wait, I do know why. My mother is an Etiquette Queen...as in, Queen of Etiquette. She has tried to teach me all my life to be a dignified, charming young lady, and it just didn't stick. However, in this situation, the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my mom by not thanking each and every person that was kind to my brand new family. To this day, 3 moths after I finished my "Thank You's", I still think every now and then, "Did I send one to them? I'm sure I did. Well, I don't want to call and ask if they got one from me when they didn't. Dangit, I'll just ignore it. Maybe they didn't notice either." I was thinking this just today, when it hit me hard, really hard. The most important people in our lives never got their Thank You. So, this is for you.
Mom and Dad (Medlin)
I feel like a jerk. And careless. And less than thoughtful. All these people to thank, and we didn't thank you. I know we thanked you on the actual day, but that's really not enough. But, hey, I'm sure you're used to it by now, right? Isn't that what being a parent is all about? Sacrificing and giving more to your kids than they deserve, and not even expecting a thank you. No, that's not what being my parents is all about. You guys taught me better than that. I am so thankful for the beautiful day you gave us. You made it special even when we didn't know what we wanted, or if we wanted anything. We know you spent countless time, money and sweat putting our day together, and we had a very minimal hand in anything. Mom, thank you for your patience. You know I'm slightly crazy and more than slightly anxious about most things, so thank you for letting me do everything in my time. You saved Ryan so much heartache by letting me be me, and not stressing me out. Because we all know that Ryan takes the brunt of my meltdowns. Thank you for knowing me and loving me, all of me. We will forever be thankful for that day, and all the great days you've given me, and now us. And Daddy, thank you for not only walking me down the aisle, but for letting me drink beer and eat fried chicken in the packhouse with you, almost making me late for the wedding festivities. Thank you for being so gracious to me, Ryan, our friends, and Ryan's family for the wedding extravaganza. You made everyone so comfortable...you've always been good at that :) Thanks guys. Sorry the formal thank you was so late, but it's better late than never, right? Didn't one of you tell me that? Yes, I'm sure you did, you're probably just to old to remember. We love you!
Mama Kath and Papa Wade (Lindsay)
And of course, we forgot to thank my brand new parents as well. I know you guys had to sacrifice a lot of time and money to fly the whole family cross-country, and I know the trek was stressful and LONG, but I hope you understand how much it meant to us. It was more than touching to see you guys with my family meeting for the first time, and loving each other more than we could have hoped for. Thank you for embracing me into your family, as well as embracing my whole family. You were both so sweet with my niece and nephews, bring them all treats from the West Coast. They, along with everyone else, were completely smitten with you both. I know it's been hard for you guys the past couple of years with Ryan being gone, and then with him gettin' hitched to a southern girl, thinking he'll never be home again. I can't promise we'll ever move back to Oregon, but I can promise that you will be as big a part of our lives as anyone. And the last thank you is the biggest one for me. Thank you for making Ryan into the man he is today. He is perfection to me, and I know you both raised him to be just that. Thank you for blessing our lives that day, and everyday. We love you both so much!
Okay, so this is the true test to see if they read my blog. If they do, I'm glad they finally got their "Thank You." If they don't read it, screw your Thank You, you should be reading my blog. Your thanks will be lost in the blogger abyss. Just kidding, but not really : ) Until tomorrow, folks.
Moving on. It took me a good 3 months to finish all of these Thank You's. I am victorious! I don't know why I put so much pressure on myself. Wait, I do know why. My mother is an Etiquette Queen...as in, Queen of Etiquette. She has tried to teach me all my life to be a dignified, charming young lady, and it just didn't stick. However, in this situation, the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my mom by not thanking each and every person that was kind to my brand new family. To this day, 3 moths after I finished my "Thank You's", I still think every now and then, "Did I send one to them? I'm sure I did. Well, I don't want to call and ask if they got one from me when they didn't. Dangit, I'll just ignore it. Maybe they didn't notice either." I was thinking this just today, when it hit me hard, really hard. The most important people in our lives never got their Thank You. So, this is for you.
Mom and Dad (Medlin)
I feel like a jerk. And careless. And less than thoughtful. All these people to thank, and we didn't thank you. I know we thanked you on the actual day, but that's really not enough. But, hey, I'm sure you're used to it by now, right? Isn't that what being a parent is all about? Sacrificing and giving more to your kids than they deserve, and not even expecting a thank you. No, that's not what being my parents is all about. You guys taught me better than that. I am so thankful for the beautiful day you gave us. You made it special even when we didn't know what we wanted, or if we wanted anything. We know you spent countless time, money and sweat putting our day together, and we had a very minimal hand in anything. Mom, thank you for your patience. You know I'm slightly crazy and more than slightly anxious about most things, so thank you for letting me do everything in my time. You saved Ryan so much heartache by letting me be me, and not stressing me out. Because we all know that Ryan takes the brunt of my meltdowns. Thank you for knowing me and loving me, all of me. We will forever be thankful for that day, and all the great days you've given me, and now us. And Daddy, thank you for not only walking me down the aisle, but for letting me drink beer and eat fried chicken in the packhouse with you, almost making me late for the wedding festivities. Thank you for being so gracious to me, Ryan, our friends, and Ryan's family for the wedding extravaganza. You made everyone so comfortable...you've always been good at that :) Thanks guys. Sorry the formal thank you was so late, but it's better late than never, right? Didn't one of you tell me that? Yes, I'm sure you did, you're probably just to old to remember. We love you!
Mama Kath and Papa Wade (Lindsay)
And of course, we forgot to thank my brand new parents as well. I know you guys had to sacrifice a lot of time and money to fly the whole family cross-country, and I know the trek was stressful and LONG, but I hope you understand how much it meant to us. It was more than touching to see you guys with my family meeting for the first time, and loving each other more than we could have hoped for. Thank you for embracing me into your family, as well as embracing my whole family. You were both so sweet with my niece and nephews, bring them all treats from the West Coast. They, along with everyone else, were completely smitten with you both. I know it's been hard for you guys the past couple of years with Ryan being gone, and then with him gettin' hitched to a southern girl, thinking he'll never be home again. I can't promise we'll ever move back to Oregon, but I can promise that you will be as big a part of our lives as anyone. And the last thank you is the biggest one for me. Thank you for making Ryan into the man he is today. He is perfection to me, and I know you both raised him to be just that. Thank you for blessing our lives that day, and everyday. We love you both so much!
Okay, so this is the true test to see if they read my blog. If they do, I'm glad they finally got their "Thank You." If they don't read it, screw your Thank You, you should be reading my blog. Your thanks will be lost in the blogger abyss. Just kidding, but not really : ) Until tomorrow, folks.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Boot Season
So, boot season is here again. I loooooove boots. I think it's probably my favorite shoe to wear and own. However, I have a secret related to boot season that I feel I must share. Maybe someone will know of a support group I can join. I love boots, but I don't own as many as I wish I did. I prefer the ones that are at least knee high. And why exactly don't I own many of these knee high boots that I love so much? I...have...abnormally large calves. Man calves. Body-builder calves. I'm not kidding people. It's a serious issue. So many cute boots out there to try on. But that's all I can do, try them on, try and force them over my calves, throw them on the floor in defeat, and storm out of all these stores that are prejudiced against my kind.
I don't know how I got this way. I've always been athletic, but have never done anything so serious as to make my calves grow exponentially. Maybe genetic? I just mentioned this issue to my sister, and asked if she had big calves too. She said, "They're not small." So, there we go. We can start our own support group now.
The last time I went shopping for boots was with Ryan and my brother-in-law, Alex, last time we went to visit Oregon (Ryan's home.) After many past boot seasons of searching for some UGGs to no avail, I decided to try again. Who knows, maybe Oregon is used to bigger calved people? I've never really tried to shop on the West Coast before. Yeah, I'm sure everything will be different this time. Not at all. Even Alex tried to help me. "Hey, it looks like this pair might fit over your calves. Or what about his pair over here?" No on both accounts. Thanks for trying though, Alex.
So now, here is where I stand, in flip flops of course. No new boots for years now. And now, the cutest boots are out for the season. The leather, with not much of a heel, with a little buckle around the ankle, preferably brown boots. Every time I pass them in a store, I stare longingly at them, and then look away in shame as I exit the premises. Ryan told me he'll get me a pair for Christmas, but I told him not to bother. No one wants to cry on Christmas morning.
Please contact me if you know of a store that caters to my kind.
I don't know how I got this way. I've always been athletic, but have never done anything so serious as to make my calves grow exponentially. Maybe genetic? I just mentioned this issue to my sister, and asked if she had big calves too. She said, "They're not small." So, there we go. We can start our own support group now.
The last time I went shopping for boots was with Ryan and my brother-in-law, Alex, last time we went to visit Oregon (Ryan's home.) After many past boot seasons of searching for some UGGs to no avail, I decided to try again. Who knows, maybe Oregon is used to bigger calved people? I've never really tried to shop on the West Coast before. Yeah, I'm sure everything will be different this time. Not at all. Even Alex tried to help me. "Hey, it looks like this pair might fit over your calves. Or what about his pair over here?" No on both accounts. Thanks for trying though, Alex.
So now, here is where I stand, in flip flops of course. No new boots for years now. And now, the cutest boots are out for the season. The leather, with not much of a heel, with a little buckle around the ankle, preferably brown boots. Every time I pass them in a store, I stare longingly at them, and then look away in shame as I exit the premises. Ryan told me he'll get me a pair for Christmas, but I told him not to bother. No one wants to cry on Christmas morning.
Please contact me if you know of a store that caters to my kind.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Romeo, oh Romeo
Romeo is my dog. He is an Australian Shepherd mix. And, he is an asshole. My husband and I live in different states at the moment (only 2 more weeks!) and we decided to keep one dog each, because we're selfish. Ryan kept Banjo Ladybird, our Basset Hound. She is hard-headed but absolutely precious. I kept Romeo. The Romeo I used to know was the perfect dog. He was potty-trained in 3 days, very loving, never barks, excellent manners, and boooooy did he love his mama. Romeo would just gaze at me for hours no matter what I was doing. I get up to pee in the night, Romeo would quietly follow me to the bathroom, lay on the floor, then follow me back to bed. So sweet. He actually used to creep Ryan out a bit. Ryan would say, "Romeo looks at you like he has a crush on you. That's weird, right." No Ryan, it isn't. We love each other. That was the old Romeo.
Present Day Romeo: Asshole
To set the tone, I want to inform you that I cleaned up linoleum dog shit yesterday. How does this happen? Exactly how you think it does. Romeo lives in the laundry room while I'm at work. He tore up the linoleum and ate it for a snack. For the 2nd time, by the way. If that's not bad enough, where he has ripped up and eaten the linoleum, he pees all over the exposed, wooden, porous floor that lies underneath. It looked like a lot of pee, an abnormally large amount of urine. I look at his water bowl, that he has never ever finished, and it's all gone. It was Romeo's way of telling me to go to hell. He ate the floor and then had a urine flash-flood party. How do you get that smell out of the wood after there's been urine sitting on it, seeping in all day. You don't. My eyes water when I walk in the front door now.
I wish this was his only issue. In the past 2 months he has, eaten my blue suede shoes, black pumps, rainbows, pin cushion (pins included), picture frame (broke the glass in the process), Wedding Pictures DVD (I might need a replacement, Lauren), linoleum, tripped me down the stairs (considered going to the ER), collected 13 different balls from neighbors yards, stolen a kids shoe from the neighbors porch and chewed it (I threw it away for plausible deniability purposes...who am I kidding, they know it's him), stolen a blow-up Snowman from someones storage unit, and managed to mad-dog anyone who has tried to approach him when I'm not home (I know where he got that one from.) He is hell on earth right now.
I have tried so many things to help him adjust better. A doggy door that my Brother in law installed for me (thanks, Jerms), leaving him inside, leaving him outside on a run, leaving him outside not on a run, putting him in a cage...he screws everything up. He runs away or eats something or makes me feel bad because he looks miserable. What am I supposed to do? I've actually cried over this, because he used to be so great and I feel like I've done all this to him. Should we have gotten a house with a fence? Too late now, our landlords won't let us. It's a sad situation. My latest 2 options are, buy a $300 outdoor cage big enough for him to move around a bit, or sell him to a Chinese restaurant for real cheap. Right, I bought the cage. I attempted to put it together today, and got the steel frame put together of this 10x10x6 kennel. I'm so proud of myself, and then, the wind blows. Just hard enough to topple the frame onto it's side, and all the piece of crap plastic fittings break. Snap! Fail. And the neighbors were outside and saw me. I mad-dogged them and walked inside. It's still out there, but it's dark so it's okay, right?
What am I supposed to do? I really need some help. Romeo is breaking my heart and making me want to break his face at the same time. Help me, please. I can't handle another day of linoleum shit. Could you?
Present Day Romeo: Asshole
To set the tone, I want to inform you that I cleaned up linoleum dog shit yesterday. How does this happen? Exactly how you think it does. Romeo lives in the laundry room while I'm at work. He tore up the linoleum and ate it for a snack. For the 2nd time, by the way. If that's not bad enough, where he has ripped up and eaten the linoleum, he pees all over the exposed, wooden, porous floor that lies underneath. It looked like a lot of pee, an abnormally large amount of urine. I look at his water bowl, that he has never ever finished, and it's all gone. It was Romeo's way of telling me to go to hell. He ate the floor and then had a urine flash-flood party. How do you get that smell out of the wood after there's been urine sitting on it, seeping in all day. You don't. My eyes water when I walk in the front door now.
I wish this was his only issue. In the past 2 months he has, eaten my blue suede shoes, black pumps, rainbows, pin cushion (pins included), picture frame (broke the glass in the process), Wedding Pictures DVD (I might need a replacement, Lauren), linoleum, tripped me down the stairs (considered going to the ER), collected 13 different balls from neighbors yards, stolen a kids shoe from the neighbors porch and chewed it (I threw it away for plausible deniability purposes...who am I kidding, they know it's him), stolen a blow-up Snowman from someones storage unit, and managed to mad-dog anyone who has tried to approach him when I'm not home (I know where he got that one from.) He is hell on earth right now.
I have tried so many things to help him adjust better. A doggy door that my Brother in law installed for me (thanks, Jerms), leaving him inside, leaving him outside on a run, leaving him outside not on a run, putting him in a cage...he screws everything up. He runs away or eats something or makes me feel bad because he looks miserable. What am I supposed to do? I've actually cried over this, because he used to be so great and I feel like I've done all this to him. Should we have gotten a house with a fence? Too late now, our landlords won't let us. It's a sad situation. My latest 2 options are, buy a $300 outdoor cage big enough for him to move around a bit, or sell him to a Chinese restaurant for real cheap. Right, I bought the cage. I attempted to put it together today, and got the steel frame put together of this 10x10x6 kennel. I'm so proud of myself, and then, the wind blows. Just hard enough to topple the frame onto it's side, and all the piece of crap plastic fittings break. Snap! Fail. And the neighbors were outside and saw me. I mad-dogged them and walked inside. It's still out there, but it's dark so it's okay, right?
What am I supposed to do? I really need some help. Romeo is breaking my heart and making me want to break his face at the same time. Help me, please. I can't handle another day of linoleum shit. Could you?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
J-O-B
My life kind of revolves around my job these days. Not by choice, I just have nothing better to focus on. I have no doubt my honey will save me when he gets here in 2 weeks : ) But, for now, I work. What do I do at this job? I study. All day. 8-10 hours a day. This may sound boring to some, but I enjoy it. This may surprise some people who know me only from high school/college, because I was not one to study back then. I figured out the key: If you are interested in what you have to learn, it is FAR easier to study. I don't just study though, I research a great deal as well. So research and study, so vague, right? Not really, that's actually what I do. The true question is, what do I research/study? I had to think long and hard about this because it's easy to simply say "Physics" or "History" or "Football" or whatever it is that one may study. However, I feel that what I study is much more epic than just one word. I study...the decline of society in a given area. Does that sound depressing? It is. I don't get to study anything that reflects positivity. No success, no happiness, no prosperity, and no God. My life at work is dedicated to these things. It's always interesting, but definitely brings me down. Even worse, I think it makes me a downer on others as well. I feel as though sometimes I dominate conversations with negative things, because these negative things are what I am "smart" about. I don't want to be like that. So, If I've done that to you, I apologize. I truly do. I have a couple people in mind specifically, but I'll just put it out there to everyone. The decline of society. Why is it declining? Who is making it decline? Is it because of what they are doing or what they are not doing that is causing this? Is it a person or group or country or religion? Why are they doing this? How can we make them stop? Should we make them stop? Can we make them stop? And what are the repercussions....of everything? I think you're beginning to understand why I have sleepless nights and anxiety at times. I have been trained to have my mind in overdrive. And trained well I think. I actually think I'm pretty good at it. This type of job fits my mind and way of thinking to a tee. And I am oh, so thankful for that. I just get quite compulsive with it at times which leads to sleepless nights. Just think, this is your job, and you have all these questions to ask, and answer. What if there is no answer? Do you fail? Are you a failure? Or has God not created an answer? Is it in a divine plan to not solve this...or do I just not know enough to solve it. Whew, it's pretty heavy. I bet you are asking yourself, why do I do this? And that answer, my friends, is easy. Because I want to help. It is part of my being to care. I may not make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things, but I've had glimpses. I hope I remember those glimpses. And I hope people will remember that I cared when I am gone. One of the best compliments Ive ever gotten was nearing the end of my last day at my previous job, in the same line of work. Someone dear to me said, "Not many people care like you." Thanks Jesse, even if you never read this.
Hallway Mad-Dog
I work in a large building with miles of hallways. These hallways are filled with hundreds of people I do not know, and probably will never know. I'm not upset about it, it's just the way it is. What I am upset about is the hallway etiquette in this large building with it's miles of hallways. Maybe I have been so far removed from the corporate world that I was unaware of this calamity. Are you aware of it? You don't know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about people not locking eyes with you, people staring at a blank wall instead of looking at you, or the worst....people locking eyes with you when you say "Good morning" and then glancing away as if they didn't hear you. You know you heard me, jerk. I have one question for the culprits in my building that subscribe to this nonsense: What the hell is wrong with you? Scratch that, I have many more questions. Who raised you? Why are you so uncomfortable? What the hell is so great about your life that you can't even say good morning back to me? It is so simple, people. Do you know how it feels to smile at people as they walk by and to have them, rather than reciprocate, immediately dart their eyes toward the floor or stare into the great unknown. You don't know how it feels? I do. I feel pissed off. It's embarrassing. Want to get rejected by a stranger 30+ times a day? Get a job working with me. It's like a rejection jackpot. Needless to say, I don't appreciate being rejected by strangers, who are probably losers anyway, let's be honest. I can't let them have all the power! So, I changed that power dynamic today, and it was about damn time. I introduce you to, Hallway Mad-dogging! I'm actually very proud of it. Today, every time I passed someone in the hallway, I made sure they paid me the attention I am due. I mad-dog the hell out of them. I stare them down like I know they're about to steal something. I make it uncomfortable for them, and not for me. I change it up a little everytime. Sometimes it's just a blank stare, sometimes I put some fury behind my eyes, but most of the time I just try and look just a little bit crazy. Then here's the kicker...you have to say "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" until they respond...regardless of how many times you have to say it. Usually by the third time, they'll answer. They better. They just got mad-dogged. This was going great today, until I was around my 12th mad-dog of the day, when someone not only responded to me, but stopped to chat. What? I didn't ask for all that. I just wanted you to display some common decency. Chat? Gross, I don't know you. What do you think I am, crazy? Note to self: Don't mad-dog that guy again. So, I challenge you, wherever you are throughout the day, be it a hallway like mine, a grocery store, a lumber mill, when people don't respond to you, think of me, then mad-dog them. Mad-dog them like hell.
DS update: He told me today we have another company lunch next week...but he whispered it so people wouldn't know he's talking to me. He asked if he could ride with me again. I said loudly, "No way Jose." He said, "I'm not Jose." He wins every time.
DS update: He told me today we have another company lunch next week...but he whispered it so people wouldn't know he's talking to me. He asked if he could ride with me again. I said loudly, "No way Jose." He said, "I'm not Jose." He wins every time.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
A Work In Progress
Hello! This is my first official post on my first official blog. How exciting! I will tell you though, I'm not sure if I'm 100% "in" with this blog yet. First, let me tell you why I'm starting a blog. I am great at many things, but sleeping is not one of them. I adore sleep, I do, but my brain goes into overdrive when I lay down at night. I feel as though I understand things more clearly, I think of more problems to solve, think of things I forgot to do, think of things I should have said, etc. Therefore, I have had many a sleepless night. I believe I have always been this way, I just didn't have as much to think about when I was younger. So, a blog might help me get all my thoughts out, what has annoyed me, what I regret, what was funny, all my daily occurrences are now your problems too, I guess. You're actually doing a civil service by reading my blog. Why? Because my dear husband needs someone to share the wealth with. Daily, I get off work, get in the car, and call my husband. Poor thing, he gets a rather detailed version of my life in the 10 hours I was at work. He never complains. He is a better person than me. I would've told me to shut up now. I would love for him to keep a tally of how many times in a week I say to him, "I was just thinking..." Hence the blog name. So, reason #1, I need more sleep. Reason #2, I don't want to drive my husband crazy. Reason #3, and this one is a bit more personal and slightly embarrassing for me to talk about, I have severe anxiety at times. Not just anxious tendencies, but, severe diagnosed anxiety. In past attempts to move past this anxiety I have been told I need to keep a diary. I've tried, but it's not effective. I have so much to get out that I can't write fast enough.....frustration....hand hurts...quit writing...no sleep. Typing is MUCH easier on me. And, I actually think feedback would help me more than writing in a pre-teen era diary and shoving it under my bed at night. Talk about feeling ridiculous. So, with inspiration from a sweet friend that recently started a blog, I googled "how to blog," and here we are. So what exactly is the work in progress you ask? This blog, the title (I'm not sold on it, open to suggestions), and me. I think we're all a work in progress though, right? So, over time, maybe you'll get to know me, or get to know me better than you do already, while I get over myself.
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