The devil stole it, I'm sure of it. Who else would take my motivation away when I have a perfectly wonderful life? I'm being tempted these days, and I don't appreciate it.
I have no motivation when it comes to my job these days. The new job smell has worn off, and I'm left feeling less than enthused. I wouldn't say I hate my job, it just doesn't make me happy. I don't like getting up early and going in, I don't like doing the work, I don't like my work-trip dates being changed constantly (mine just got pushed forward ohhhhh about 6 more months), I don't like having little to no responsibility, and most of all, I don't like being unimportant. I understand I sound like a petulant child, stomping around with my hands over my ears, screaming, and that's exactly how I meant to sound. That's honest. That's the true me right now. I...am....pouting.
Let me back up a little for you, and me, to reminisce about the times when I was someone. At my last job, every phone call that came into the office was for me. Any question that needed answering, I answered it. I was trusted more than I should've been, given my rank. I had great responsibility; Everyday there were multiple things to be done that I had to do. I was depended on. I had MORE work than I needed to fill up a day. I complained to my husband how stressed out I was, ohhhhhh I just can't seem to get it all done. I was the go-to guy. I was necessary.
Not now. Not at all.
I know it is so self involved of me to be saying all this, but I have to come to terms with just how childish I'm being so that I can work through this mess and figure out what to pray for. I miss so much being necessary. There is approximately 1 person that I work with that knows I'm good at what I do. The place is so compartmentalized, I barely know what the person sitting next to me is doing. I don't exactly operate like that. I'm friendly, dammit. I need to be social. Part of what I loved about my last job so much is the rewards/awards. I need that in my life. Because I'm a child. I need to know that people think I'm doing a good job. I need to know that I'm relevant. That's allllll the Army was about. Actually, a little to much so, to the point where people work towards the award and nothing else. I need a happy medium. Let's just say that in a world of flair, I need to have at least 110 pieces to feel good about myself. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, kick yourself, then watch Office Space.) Doesn't everybody need that to an extent though? Don't you need some sort of encouragement to excel? Or are you just expected to excel without a pat on the head? Is there an adulthood handbook out there that I missed? "How To Be An Adult." Or, "Looks Like You're Approaching 30...Better Start Acting Like It." I miss the Master Sergeant's and Sergeant's Major of my life that gave me all the self-gratification I needed. Not surprisingly, my only fan at work was a Master Sergeant in another life.
Okay, I'm unnecessary. Next, I'm unimportant. I've never exactly blended in with my peers. I'm usually a little smarter, a lot more motivated, a harder worker, and much funnier (obviously.) I've gotten used to my lot in life as a favorite. So now a lonely nerd in a sea of nerds. There's like 300 people that do exactly what I do. How can I stand out in that? I haven't figured it out yet. I almost passed out from hitting my elbow a couple of days ago, that's pretty much the only thing that makes me different from everyone else. It's not exactly cool to be known as the lunatic who passes out at random times. (Sorry, sister) Being a nobody has given my self-worth a hit. I know it shouldn't, but it has none the less.
Unnecessary. Unimportant. Friendless. No friends. The BEST part of work to me has always been the great friends you make. I spend the majority of my day at work, and I have nobody there to relate to. What I mean when I say relate to is...women...there are no women. There are a couple, and they seem very nice, but I feel like if I did try and talk to them on a serious note I would smother them with my friendlessness. Time-out, let me first say that I am truly blessed to have the friends I do have here with me...but Ryan and Khara can't come to work with me. When I think back to school and the jobs I've had...man, I have made the best of friends. But now, while I do work with some people that are completely enjoyable, I don't have any girlfriends that I can talk everyday, all day, and I miss it. While I understand that I should be more concentrated on working than friends, it's nice to work with people you can laugh and talk with so that you actually look forward to going to work everyday. Where are the Katie Glaze's of my life? Where are the Kosha Tucker's? The Erin Biggio's (Wrenn)? The Joy McIntosh's? The Tara Lueneberg's? Ohhhhh me. Maybe I have run out of dear friends. Maybe the Lord has cut me off. I have had more than my share, I guess. But please Lord? Just one more?
(On a side note, thank GOD for my pen-pals that keep me going at work. You all know who you are, but special thanks to Collin and Josh, 2 of the dearest friends a girl could have. Love you guys.)
So, I know this is a depressing post, and I try not to do many of those, but I need some support and help. What can I do? How can I find my motivation again? Is it gone? Is this just the wrong job for me? Am I still just sad that I'm not a soldier anymore? I need some prayers, a friend, and some daily affirmations or something. Lord.
I pray that I grow up.
That I stop being so selfish.
That I stay thankful for at least having a job when so many do not.
That I don't need someone telling me I'm great to continue to work.
That I make a friend.
That I love this job as much as I once did.
That I get the feeling back that I can make a difference.
That I make a difference.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
You, 10 Years Ago
Oprah had George W. Bush on her show recently. Maybe even today, I don't know because I DVR everything and have no idea what the original air date is. It was a very interesting interview, seeing someone that has been in the public eye for so long, be so candid about his failures and successes. Amazing insight. At one point Oprah showed a clip of GW last time he was on her show, 10 years ago, right after he won his first term as President. He looked so young, hopeful. He had no idea what his life was going to be like for the next 8 years. I didn't look at him as a President that I voted for and genuinely liked, I looked at him as any President of the US. How hard must it be? Making decisions that are going to make one group or another hate you, always. These leaders, they need prayers more than most. So, before I really get into this blog, pray for President Obama and his family. What a tough family to be.
Oprah asked GW, "What would you have told yourself, 10 years ago, the first time you were on my show, knowing what you know now? What advice would you have given him?" Now, I know I'm not the President, but retrospect is an important tool for anyone. So, what would we have told ourselves 10 years ago, knowing what we know now? For me? I have a couple...:
-Study history more. FILL your brain with it. You have no idea how important it will be to you in the future.
-You're all wrong about how you perceive yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are. And, although your tough act is mostly a front, you'll turn out so much more tough than any toughness you could ever fathom. And yes, you are smarter than most...embrace it.
-Invest in Apple. All $17 to your name.
-All the life decisions you'll make are the right ones, just stand behind them with more confidence. People will trust your decisions more when you're confident in them.
-You're going to drop out of college, and it's okay. It isn't right for you, right now. However, don't act like everyone is out of their minds when they tell you it's a dumb move. Agree with them, just let them know God has something different planned for you.
-September 11th, 2001 will change lives, and it will also change the whole course of your life. As painful as it is, harness that anger...you'll turn it into something muuuuuch more constructive one day.
-Find a female bum on the street. Give her drugs, a disgusting loser boyfriend, and shave her head. Next, track down Britney Spears and tell her you have come from the future and brought her future self with you to save her from an astonishing fall from grace. Then, tell her one day she'll have a song called "Womanizer" and it will be ultra catchy.
-For all the guys you think you're in love with....girl, please. Wait until 2007. You won't even know what hit you.
-Research any/all mind strengthening exercises and self confidence strengthening exercises. If you don't, years later when you're literally punching walls in madness, you'll remember what I said and understand.
-I know right now you think beer and wine are icky....don't be such a snob. Later in life you'll learn that in moderation, they are deeeeelicious.
-Right now, anything you think you know about pain and loss is insignificant...it gets worse. But, you will always make it through, even if you don't think you can, God has much more planned for you.
-Go find Grandma Winnie, and hug her until her eyes pop out. She won't be around much longer.
-Your credit is as important as mom and dad say it is.
-You'll experience situations where you feel evil in the air. You're going to be scared, because up until then all you've known is love, but it will pass. God always prevails. But, never forget the way that evil felt, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to save other people from it.
-You are wrong about Prince William, he is not the cute brother. Shift focus immediately.
I hope in another 10 years, I can look at this and do an update. Hopefully, the theme of it will be "Marriage and Parenting aren't as hard as everyone says it is. Congratulations super-wife." We'll see.
What would you tell yourself 10 years ago? I would really like to know! Post it as a comment or email me, I'd love to know people are as crazy as I am. Until tomorrow, friends, when my Ryan will be home :)
Oprah asked GW, "What would you have told yourself, 10 years ago, the first time you were on my show, knowing what you know now? What advice would you have given him?" Now, I know I'm not the President, but retrospect is an important tool for anyone. So, what would we have told ourselves 10 years ago, knowing what we know now? For me? I have a couple...:
-Study history more. FILL your brain with it. You have no idea how important it will be to you in the future.
-You're all wrong about how you perceive yourself. You are much stronger than you think you are. And, although your tough act is mostly a front, you'll turn out so much more tough than any toughness you could ever fathom. And yes, you are smarter than most...embrace it.
-Invest in Apple. All $17 to your name.
-All the life decisions you'll make are the right ones, just stand behind them with more confidence. People will trust your decisions more when you're confident in them.
-You're going to drop out of college, and it's okay. It isn't right for you, right now. However, don't act like everyone is out of their minds when they tell you it's a dumb move. Agree with them, just let them know God has something different planned for you.
-September 11th, 2001 will change lives, and it will also change the whole course of your life. As painful as it is, harness that anger...you'll turn it into something muuuuuch more constructive one day.
-Find a female bum on the street. Give her drugs, a disgusting loser boyfriend, and shave her head. Next, track down Britney Spears and tell her you have come from the future and brought her future self with you to save her from an astonishing fall from grace. Then, tell her one day she'll have a song called "Womanizer" and it will be ultra catchy.
-For all the guys you think you're in love with....girl, please. Wait until 2007. You won't even know what hit you.
-Research any/all mind strengthening exercises and self confidence strengthening exercises. If you don't, years later when you're literally punching walls in madness, you'll remember what I said and understand.
-I know right now you think beer and wine are icky....don't be such a snob. Later in life you'll learn that in moderation, they are deeeeelicious.
-Right now, anything you think you know about pain and loss is insignificant...it gets worse. But, you will always make it through, even if you don't think you can, God has much more planned for you.
-Go find Grandma Winnie, and hug her until her eyes pop out. She won't be around much longer.
-Your credit is as important as mom and dad say it is.
-You'll experience situations where you feel evil in the air. You're going to be scared, because up until then all you've known is love, but it will pass. God always prevails. But, never forget the way that evil felt, you'll spend the rest of your life trying to save other people from it.
-You are wrong about Prince William, he is not the cute brother. Shift focus immediately.
I hope in another 10 years, I can look at this and do an update. Hopefully, the theme of it will be "Marriage and Parenting aren't as hard as everyone says it is. Congratulations super-wife." We'll see.
What would you tell yourself 10 years ago? I would really like to know! Post it as a comment or email me, I'd love to know people are as crazy as I am. Until tomorrow, friends, when my Ryan will be home :)
Monday, November 8, 2010
When Ryan gets back to Virginia...
So, my friend Khara (Baby Momma Chronicles) and I used to play a game when we were in the military. When we were far from home, in the depths of despair, with no hope in sight, we would play "When I get back to Fort Hood..." Granted, Fort Hood isn't that lovely a place to most people, but wait until you're sitting out in the middle of the Mojave Desert or the Louisiana Swamps for a month, or even worse, Iraq for a year. Fort Hood becomes the Mecca (no pun intended) for all that is good and fun and relaxing. Well, my current Mecca is wherever Ryan is. It's only 2 more days till he's here, and I've reverted to "When Ryan gets back to Virginia..." Yup, it must be getting bleak. Yup, I think it is.
When Ryan gets back to Virgina:
I won't deal with Romeo for at least 3 weeks.
I won't pick up linoleum poop, chewed up shoes or random trash that Romeo collects in the middle of our yard.
I won't talk to a landlord who tells me Romeo is a Menace to Society. Actually, I won't talk to a landlord at all. Ever.
I won't get my oil changed. Yes, I'm sexist. That is his job.
I won't drive a big Dodge -louder than hell- truck to work.
I won't get hissed at by Hispanics in the grocery store.
I won't eat wings alone.
I won't come home to a cold house.
I won't go to sleep in a cold bed.
I will actually eat meals, because I'm cooking them for Ryan, rather than eat potato chips and pickles for every meal.
I won't eat lunch alone, at my desk, in the basement anymore.
I will laugh more.
I will love life more.
I will go to church more.
I will watch football more. (I think that was in our vows)
Ryan will watch American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance and anything that doesn't enrich your life at all. (That was in our vows too)
I'll have my best friend back.
I'll have my best puppy back...i miss you Banjo. Screw you Romeo.
I'll be even more excited to go to NC on the weekends, because then I'll have everyone I love in one place.
Khara and I can have a babysitter so we can have a night out without the sweet baby girl :)
I'll get to hold hands with my honey while watching TV.
I'm sure there's more, I'll edit them as they come to mind. I just needed to vent a little tonight. So close to the end gets even harder for some reason. Khara, thanks for giving us this game...I'm sure you need to play it too. When Todd gets back to Virginia... :)
Ryan, come home soon and come home safely. Love you 100.
When Ryan gets back to Virgina:
I won't deal with Romeo for at least 3 weeks.
I won't pick up linoleum poop, chewed up shoes or random trash that Romeo collects in the middle of our yard.
I won't talk to a landlord who tells me Romeo is a Menace to Society. Actually, I won't talk to a landlord at all. Ever.
I won't get my oil changed. Yes, I'm sexist. That is his job.
I won't drive a big Dodge -louder than hell- truck to work.
I won't get hissed at by Hispanics in the grocery store.
I won't eat wings alone.
I won't come home to a cold house.
I won't go to sleep in a cold bed.
I will actually eat meals, because I'm cooking them for Ryan, rather than eat potato chips and pickles for every meal.
I won't eat lunch alone, at my desk, in the basement anymore.
I will laugh more.
I will love life more.
I will go to church more.
I will watch football more. (I think that was in our vows)
Ryan will watch American Idol and So You Think You Can Dance and anything that doesn't enrich your life at all. (That was in our vows too)
I'll have my best friend back.
I'll have my best puppy back...i miss you Banjo. Screw you Romeo.
I'll be even more excited to go to NC on the weekends, because then I'll have everyone I love in one place.
Khara and I can have a babysitter so we can have a night out without the sweet baby girl :)
I'll get to hold hands with my honey while watching TV.
I'm sure there's more, I'll edit them as they come to mind. I just needed to vent a little tonight. So close to the end gets even harder for some reason. Khara, thanks for giving us this game...I'm sure you need to play it too. When Todd gets back to Virginia... :)
Ryan, come home soon and come home safely. Love you 100.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
To My One Year Husband
Dear Husband,
Thank you for marrying me one year ago today in the Bell County Courthouse in front of friends and that one criminal. If the first year of marriage is the hardest like they say, I feel like we have just gotten away with murder...probably like that one criminal. You saved me from so much unhappiness my love and I will forever be thankful to God for sending you into my life at the perfect time. We both know that there are going to be some tough times in our life together, and I can't promise I will always be nice and sweet to you, but I will tell you that I know we can survive those hard times and I CAN promise that I will always be sorry if I am less than nice and sweet to you...eventually. Thank you for always snapping me out of my bad days, and for not giving up when I tell you to quit trying to snap me out of the even worse days. Thank you for taking away my sadness and nightmares after the hard times we've seen...no one else on earth could do for me what you have done for me. You are beyond irreplaceable. Thank you for always taking my side, except when the other side is yours. And thank you for agreeing with me in the end, anyway. Thank you for being so strong, concerning everything. Thank you for letting me drive your truck for the past 2 months even though I feel like a lesbian. Thank you for fixing things when I would rather pout. Thank you for marrying me anyway, even though more than one person asked you if you understood what you were getting into. And most importantly, thank you for the future years we will have together. Let us always remember to make the best of them. I love you dear. Happy Anniversary.
Now everyone who is reading this: Go download Ray Lamontogne's "Hold You in My Arms." It is our song, and I promise it will give you twinkly eyes thinking about the one you love. If you don't have one to love, pray for someone like Ryan to come into your life.
Thank you for marrying me one year ago today in the Bell County Courthouse in front of friends and that one criminal. If the first year of marriage is the hardest like they say, I feel like we have just gotten away with murder...probably like that one criminal. You saved me from so much unhappiness my love and I will forever be thankful to God for sending you into my life at the perfect time. We both know that there are going to be some tough times in our life together, and I can't promise I will always be nice and sweet to you, but I will tell you that I know we can survive those hard times and I CAN promise that I will always be sorry if I am less than nice and sweet to you...eventually. Thank you for always snapping me out of my bad days, and for not giving up when I tell you to quit trying to snap me out of the even worse days. Thank you for taking away my sadness and nightmares after the hard times we've seen...no one else on earth could do for me what you have done for me. You are beyond irreplaceable. Thank you for always taking my side, except when the other side is yours. And thank you for agreeing with me in the end, anyway. Thank you for being so strong, concerning everything. Thank you for letting me drive your truck for the past 2 months even though I feel like a lesbian. Thank you for fixing things when I would rather pout. Thank you for marrying me anyway, even though more than one person asked you if you understood what you were getting into. And most importantly, thank you for the future years we will have together. Let us always remember to make the best of them. I love you dear. Happy Anniversary.
Now everyone who is reading this: Go download Ray Lamontogne's "Hold You in My Arms." It is our song, and I promise it will give you twinkly eyes thinking about the one you love. If you don't have one to love, pray for someone like Ryan to come into your life.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Serial Computer Killer
I have an IPAD! Didn't I tell you? It's so fancy. I love that it's so flat and light, you can take it anywhere with you. Let me show you a picture of it. Sorry, I'm just so proud of it!
What? No, that's not a regular laptop laid completely flattened out. Laptops can't even do that.
Okay, obviously, this is my cracker-jack laptop that I like to call my IPAD because it is too crappy to sit up like a normal screen. ISHIT would be more fitting. I would like you to notice the left side of the computer, where the screen meets the keyboard. Here, I'll give you a close up.
I have this problem: My past 2 laptops both somehow met their maker by the same fate. The screens fell off. What are the chances? It couldn't have been something I did, could it? I really don't think so. I'm so responsible when it comes to expensive belongings, it couldn't have been anything I did to them. Well, let me show you how I transport my computers from one place to another.
So, I'm hoping you get from my sarcastic-laden post that I know I have a problem. One screen falls off of my computer, and it could be a combination of my negligence and a crappy computer. But two? Two computers meeting the same fate? It's me. I know it's me. I've been punishing myself by using my ISHIT for months now, because I don't deserve another computer. My husband disagreed with me and picked out a new one for me though! I got it in the mail today! It's glorious! He did take a small part in ruining my latest one...by plugging it in while in Mexico...and now it only works when it's plugged in. But, I did the majority of the abuse. It's really one hell of an ISHIT. I feel like all Ryan is doing is feeding the problem, really not facing the facts. I just don't take care of most things I own. In the case of computers, I feel I can be compared to Drew Peterson. Google "Drew Peterson, wife killer" and you'll get the full story. He beat his first and second wives, and then killed his third and fourth wives. And guess what, he's got a fifth wife in the making. My ISHIT is my fourth wife, and the new fancy computer that Ryan bought me is my fifth wife in the making. She doesn't even know what's coming to her. Maybe she should have asked around or asked Greta Van Susternan for the dish before she decided to come live with me. It's not my fault she doesn't do her research. I'll let you know how this one turns out. I'm sure I'll be on truTV in no time. Me and Drew Peterson...and Charlie Sheen. We never learn.
Okay, obviously, this is my cracker-jack laptop that I like to call my IPAD because it is too crappy to sit up like a normal screen. ISHIT would be more fitting. I would like you to notice the left side of the computer, where the screen meets the keyboard. Here, I'll give you a close up.
Right, I pick it up by the left corner of the screen and carry it around. It's very handy. But, I'll be damned, after having computers for only a couple of months, the screen just goes and falls off! I'll never understand it! I'm just going to keep on doing what I do with the hopes that my next computer will be a quality one.
So, I'm hoping you get from my sarcastic-laden post that I know I have a problem. One screen falls off of my computer, and it could be a combination of my negligence and a crappy computer. But two? Two computers meeting the same fate? It's me. I know it's me. I've been punishing myself by using my ISHIT for months now, because I don't deserve another computer. My husband disagreed with me and picked out a new one for me though! I got it in the mail today! It's glorious! He did take a small part in ruining my latest one...by plugging it in while in Mexico...and now it only works when it's plugged in. But, I did the majority of the abuse. It's really one hell of an ISHIT. I feel like all Ryan is doing is feeding the problem, really not facing the facts. I just don't take care of most things I own. In the case of computers, I feel I can be compared to Drew Peterson. Google "Drew Peterson, wife killer" and you'll get the full story. He beat his first and second wives, and then killed his third and fourth wives. And guess what, he's got a fifth wife in the making. My ISHIT is my fourth wife, and the new fancy computer that Ryan bought me is my fifth wife in the making. She doesn't even know what's coming to her. Maybe she should have asked around or asked Greta Van Susternan for the dish before she decided to come live with me. It's not my fault she doesn't do her research. I'll let you know how this one turns out. I'm sure I'll be on truTV in no time. Me and Drew Peterson...and Charlie Sheen. We never learn.
Tomorrow Changes Lives
A year ago today, I was head over heals in love with my boyfriend. A year ago tomorrow, I was a newlywed. Crazy, huh? Not to us. It was so...us. We knew we wanted to marry each other for months at that point, but we had never really talked about when. Turns out it was tomorrow! We went from engaged to married in a matter of hours. It was perfect. We went to the Bell County Courthouse after work for the wedding festivities. Let me tell you, it is far too easy to get a marriage license in the state of Texas. You don't need witnesses, blood tests, and there is no waiting period. It's like BAM. Automatic everything! Ah, so is the culture of a military town. Anyway, it worked out well for us.
We only told a couple of our friends just hours before we went to the courthouse. Everyone was surprised, but not that surprised. After all, we're perfect for each other :) I think the common understanding about courthouse weddings are that they are for quicky, meaningless weddings. Not for us. For us, it was perfect. It was just as meaningful as your wedding day should be, actually more than it usually is, I believe. Why? We cut out all the stressful wedding planning and coordinating and MONEY and time that we didn't want to deal with. Some people can handle this on their wedding day, I could not, and I knew I didn't want to. I had always thought that eloping might be the right choice for me, turns out it was. After all, to quote my pastor who "re-married" us months later, who quoted "When Harry Met Sally," "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Perfect.
One issue with this day that I didn't deal with until later was family. I didn't tell my family I was getting married that day. Looking back, I wish I could say I regret it, especially since I hurt some people I love, but I don't regret it. My family means the world to me, and I hate disappointing them. I was afraid if I told them we were getting married, they would try to stop us. Not because they didn't agree with it, but because they would've wanted to be there. I didn't want anyone to say "No, no! Wait a couple more days and we'll fly out there" or "No, no! Why don't you just wait a couple months and get married here!" Anything they would have possibly told me would have been valid reactions that I would've given to someone in my position as well. However, I didn't want to think about accommodating anyone. I wanted to marry Ryan and he wanted to marry me. We could've waited, we could've flown to NC or Oregon so our families would be there, but we didn't want to. And honestly, if any day is about us and nobody else, isn't it our wedding day?
My only regret is, I didn't tell them after the fact. I waited a week or so and told everyone we were getting married that day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I guess I didn't want anyone to be mad with me! I have a talent for making crazy life decisions that upset people I love, and I HATE it. I HATE disappointing people and being less than accommodating. So, I do regret that part. I wish I would've called everyone the next day and said "Ryan and I got married yesterday and it was glorious." But, I didn't. I waited weeks, months in some cases to tell everyone the exact day we got married. I started to kind of like the anonymity for some reason. Quite bizarre, can't really explain it. Maybe it was the sense of control over the situation, which I don't have often.
I feel like my blog so far has consisted of venting and making amends with people, and I'm okay with that. So today, is amends, with anyone I wasn't truthful with because I was selfish and scared, to an extent. I'm not sorry we got married the day we did and didn't tell anyone, but I am sorry I didn't let you celebrate with us sooner. Because, really, what a joyous thing to celebrate! So, amends for today is done. But, tomorrow...tomorrow is for love. I reserve tomorrow for love.
We only told a couple of our friends just hours before we went to the courthouse. Everyone was surprised, but not that surprised. After all, we're perfect for each other :) I think the common understanding about courthouse weddings are that they are for quicky, meaningless weddings. Not for us. For us, it was perfect. It was just as meaningful as your wedding day should be, actually more than it usually is, I believe. Why? We cut out all the stressful wedding planning and coordinating and MONEY and time that we didn't want to deal with. Some people can handle this on their wedding day, I could not, and I knew I didn't want to. I had always thought that eloping might be the right choice for me, turns out it was. After all, to quote my pastor who "re-married" us months later, who quoted "When Harry Met Sally," "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Perfect.
One issue with this day that I didn't deal with until later was family. I didn't tell my family I was getting married that day. Looking back, I wish I could say I regret it, especially since I hurt some people I love, but I don't regret it. My family means the world to me, and I hate disappointing them. I was afraid if I told them we were getting married, they would try to stop us. Not because they didn't agree with it, but because they would've wanted to be there. I didn't want anyone to say "No, no! Wait a couple more days and we'll fly out there" or "No, no! Why don't you just wait a couple months and get married here!" Anything they would have possibly told me would have been valid reactions that I would've given to someone in my position as well. However, I didn't want to think about accommodating anyone. I wanted to marry Ryan and he wanted to marry me. We could've waited, we could've flown to NC or Oregon so our families would be there, but we didn't want to. And honestly, if any day is about us and nobody else, isn't it our wedding day?
My only regret is, I didn't tell them after the fact. I waited a week or so and told everyone we were getting married that day. Why did I do that? I don't know. I guess I didn't want anyone to be mad with me! I have a talent for making crazy life decisions that upset people I love, and I HATE it. I HATE disappointing people and being less than accommodating. So, I do regret that part. I wish I would've called everyone the next day and said "Ryan and I got married yesterday and it was glorious." But, I didn't. I waited weeks, months in some cases to tell everyone the exact day we got married. I started to kind of like the anonymity for some reason. Quite bizarre, can't really explain it. Maybe it was the sense of control over the situation, which I don't have often.
I feel like my blog so far has consisted of venting and making amends with people, and I'm okay with that. So today, is amends, with anyone I wasn't truthful with because I was selfish and scared, to an extent. I'm not sorry we got married the day we did and didn't tell anyone, but I am sorry I didn't let you celebrate with us sooner. Because, really, what a joyous thing to celebrate! So, amends for today is done. But, tomorrow...tomorrow is for love. I reserve tomorrow for love.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Where's my "I Didn't Vote Today" Sticker?
No, I did not vote. Nor did I vote early or anything equivalent to voting in today's election. This is something that is uncharacteristic for me. I am typically a "If you didn't vote, don't complain" person. However, this year I felt quite strongly to not vote.
First, I have lived in Texas/Iraq for the past 4 years, am registered to vote in North Carolina, but currently reside in Virginia. I didn't have time to switch my voter registration to Virginia prior to the elections as this is a recent move, but I'm still not sure how I would've voted in VA if I could have. I don't know what VA needs, what VA doesn't need, and what ANY issues are here. Next year, I will. This year, I don't.
Second, I don't know what's going on in NC anymore either! I haven't lived there for 4 years! My dad tried to strong-arm me into voting back at home. (I don't feel bad mentioning this, because it did actually happen, and I don't think he reads my blog...evident by the non comment to my heartfelt thank you to him yesterday haha. Love you dad.) Upon this attempted strong-arm session from my dad, I told him I am uneducated on the situation and the candidates, AND whatever is voted on in NC has no bearing on me because I don't live there anymore. He told me I was stupid and he can just tell me how to vote. I understand, because he is passionate about politics, but I will not vote to be just an extra vote for ANYONE. You know why? Because my parents raised me better than that. Backfire, Pops.
Third, my feelings are somewhat hurt by politics and politicians. I haven't heard anything come out of anyone's mouth that is important to me. I will direct this completely towards National level politics/politicians. Nobody has inspired me to vote in quite sometime, and I'm only 26. For those of you who are thinking that maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, you are wrong. I am well versed. I am confident saying I am more well versed in politics than 98% of anyone who would read my blog. So why exactly does this hurt my feelings? Because I used to have such faith in politics and the system. I believed that these people can affect change in the best ways possible, but it's mostly empty promises. It's not all the politician's fault though; you can't really be a successful politician without selling out. All you hear is these angry "news" shows talking about special interests and lobbyists and contributions and blah blah blah. It's truly unnerving. What I want to know is, where are people that support my special interests? Where are the people that make me proud to have them as a face of my state or my country? Where are the people that make me feel taken care of? Vanished.
When I look back at this rant of mine, I have to ask myself, what are my special interests and who exactly would inspire me again? I don't know the exact person, but I know what I would want them to be like. First though, my special interests. Everyone has them, you should. You need to know what you stand for. What do I stand for? Christianity first and foremost. I would love to see an uber Christian in charge...of everything at every level. I'm not saying I hate other religions, I'm a Christian, we preach love. I'm also not saying that whoever is in charge isn't a Christian, I don't know what's in anyone's heart. But I will tell you, that if you are a Christian, and you're not praying for whoever is in charge because you don't like them, you are 100% wrong. Big time. Anywho, I just want someone that promotes Christianity and the preservation of it. Next, National Defense. Capitalized. This is a big deal people. If you don't think it's a big deal, you don't know the things I know. It's not that you couldn't know these things, go to the library, people. It's all there. Read books, credible news sources, pay attention to what is going on, and you will realize how important it is. If you need a heads up, email me and we'll talk it out.
And now to the person that would, indeed, inspire me. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILITARY LEADERS RUNNING FOR OFFICE? Remember them? I don't, it was before my time. What happened to these amazing Generals with amazing, strategic minds, that have lived through wars and know what is important in life, and to America? I want them back. John McCain, bless your heart, but you are not what I had in mind. These guys are connected to Washington, because they have to be, but their allegiances lie in protecting America, and the American way of life. That's what I want, and what I need to believe in all this again. Of course, a President can surround themselves with great military leaders, but that's not good enough for me. And, I don't think it's happening. Gen McChrystal got canned. He was a great leader, but he spoke out against the President and some policies (technically, it was his staff that spoke out.) Anyone who has been in the military knows that you do not disrespect superior Commissioned Officers, it's a no-no. But, if we're following the Uniform Code of Military Justice theme here, If McChrystal was fired, Bill Clinton should have been prosecuted under UCMJ for lying under oath...False Official Statements...Capitalized. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just saying. Gen. Patraeus? Give me a break. I believe he is highly capable, and probably one of the smartest men on this Earth, but he needs a break. This poor man hasn't spent any measure of time with his family in at least 9 years, and now he's been put in a position that will possibly ruin his great legacy that he deserves. Pray for him, please. Pray for them all.
I've rambled horribly, but today has been weird for me. Not voting was tough for me, because I've been told my whole life TO vote. But I have realized, that I, a US Army Veteran, have earned my right to vote for whomever I want, or not vote at all in this case, without being made to feel bad about it, even by me. I'll vote again, I know I will, when there is someone to vote for. I'll start praying for them now. They'll need it.
First, I have lived in Texas/Iraq for the past 4 years, am registered to vote in North Carolina, but currently reside in Virginia. I didn't have time to switch my voter registration to Virginia prior to the elections as this is a recent move, but I'm still not sure how I would've voted in VA if I could have. I don't know what VA needs, what VA doesn't need, and what ANY issues are here. Next year, I will. This year, I don't.
Second, I don't know what's going on in NC anymore either! I haven't lived there for 4 years! My dad tried to strong-arm me into voting back at home. (I don't feel bad mentioning this, because it did actually happen, and I don't think he reads my blog...evident by the non comment to my heartfelt thank you to him yesterday haha. Love you dad.) Upon this attempted strong-arm session from my dad, I told him I am uneducated on the situation and the candidates, AND whatever is voted on in NC has no bearing on me because I don't live there anymore. He told me I was stupid and he can just tell me how to vote. I understand, because he is passionate about politics, but I will not vote to be just an extra vote for ANYONE. You know why? Because my parents raised me better than that. Backfire, Pops.
Third, my feelings are somewhat hurt by politics and politicians. I haven't heard anything come out of anyone's mouth that is important to me. I will direct this completely towards National level politics/politicians. Nobody has inspired me to vote in quite sometime, and I'm only 26. For those of you who are thinking that maybe I just don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to politics, you are wrong. I am well versed. I am confident saying I am more well versed in politics than 98% of anyone who would read my blog. So why exactly does this hurt my feelings? Because I used to have such faith in politics and the system. I believed that these people can affect change in the best ways possible, but it's mostly empty promises. It's not all the politician's fault though; you can't really be a successful politician without selling out. All you hear is these angry "news" shows talking about special interests and lobbyists and contributions and blah blah blah. It's truly unnerving. What I want to know is, where are people that support my special interests? Where are the people that make me proud to have them as a face of my state or my country? Where are the people that make me feel taken care of? Vanished.
When I look back at this rant of mine, I have to ask myself, what are my special interests and who exactly would inspire me again? I don't know the exact person, but I know what I would want them to be like. First though, my special interests. Everyone has them, you should. You need to know what you stand for. What do I stand for? Christianity first and foremost. I would love to see an uber Christian in charge...of everything at every level. I'm not saying I hate other religions, I'm a Christian, we preach love. I'm also not saying that whoever is in charge isn't a Christian, I don't know what's in anyone's heart. But I will tell you, that if you are a Christian, and you're not praying for whoever is in charge because you don't like them, you are 100% wrong. Big time. Anywho, I just want someone that promotes Christianity and the preservation of it. Next, National Defense. Capitalized. This is a big deal people. If you don't think it's a big deal, you don't know the things I know. It's not that you couldn't know these things, go to the library, people. It's all there. Read books, credible news sources, pay attention to what is going on, and you will realize how important it is. If you need a heads up, email me and we'll talk it out.
And now to the person that would, indeed, inspire me. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GREAT MILITARY LEADERS RUNNING FOR OFFICE? Remember them? I don't, it was before my time. What happened to these amazing Generals with amazing, strategic minds, that have lived through wars and know what is important in life, and to America? I want them back. John McCain, bless your heart, but you are not what I had in mind. These guys are connected to Washington, because they have to be, but their allegiances lie in protecting America, and the American way of life. That's what I want, and what I need to believe in all this again. Of course, a President can surround themselves with great military leaders, but that's not good enough for me. And, I don't think it's happening. Gen McChrystal got canned. He was a great leader, but he spoke out against the President and some policies (technically, it was his staff that spoke out.) Anyone who has been in the military knows that you do not disrespect superior Commissioned Officers, it's a no-no. But, if we're following the Uniform Code of Military Justice theme here, If McChrystal was fired, Bill Clinton should have been prosecuted under UCMJ for lying under oath...False Official Statements...Capitalized. But that's neither here nor there, I'm just saying. Gen. Patraeus? Give me a break. I believe he is highly capable, and probably one of the smartest men on this Earth, but he needs a break. This poor man hasn't spent any measure of time with his family in at least 9 years, and now he's been put in a position that will possibly ruin his great legacy that he deserves. Pray for him, please. Pray for them all.
I've rambled horribly, but today has been weird for me. Not voting was tough for me, because I've been told my whole life TO vote. But I have realized, that I, a US Army Veteran, have earned my right to vote for whomever I want, or not vote at all in this case, without being made to feel bad about it, even by me. I'll vote again, I know I will, when there is someone to vote for. I'll start praying for them now. They'll need it.
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