The devil stole it, I'm sure of it. Who else would take my motivation away when I have a perfectly wonderful life? I'm being tempted these days, and I don't appreciate it.
I have no motivation when it comes to my job these days. The new job smell has worn off, and I'm left feeling less than enthused. I wouldn't say I hate my job, it just doesn't make me happy. I don't like getting up early and going in, I don't like doing the work, I don't like my work-trip dates being changed constantly (mine just got pushed forward ohhhhh about 6 more months), I don't like having little to no responsibility, and most of all, I don't like being unimportant. I understand I sound like a petulant child, stomping around with my hands over my ears, screaming, and that's exactly how I meant to sound. That's honest. That's the true me right now. I...am....pouting.
Let me back up a little for you, and me, to reminisce about the times when I was someone. At my last job, every phone call that came into the office was for me. Any question that needed answering, I answered it. I was trusted more than I should've been, given my rank. I had great responsibility; Everyday there were multiple things to be done that I had to do. I was depended on. I had MORE work than I needed to fill up a day. I complained to my husband how stressed out I was, ohhhhhh I just can't seem to get it all done. I was the go-to guy. I was necessary.
Not now. Not at all.
I know it is so self involved of me to be saying all this, but I have to come to terms with just how childish I'm being so that I can work through this mess and figure out what to pray for. I miss so much being necessary. There is approximately 1 person that I work with that knows I'm good at what I do. The place is so compartmentalized, I barely know what the person sitting next to me is doing. I don't exactly operate like that. I'm friendly, dammit. I need to be social. Part of what I loved about my last job so much is the rewards/awards. I need that in my life. Because I'm a child. I need to know that people think I'm doing a good job. I need to know that I'm relevant. That's allllll the Army was about. Actually, a little to much so, to the point where people work towards the award and nothing else. I need a happy medium. Let's just say that in a world of flair, I need to have at least 110 pieces to feel good about myself. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, kick yourself, then watch Office Space.) Doesn't everybody need that to an extent though? Don't you need some sort of encouragement to excel? Or are you just expected to excel without a pat on the head? Is there an adulthood handbook out there that I missed? "How To Be An Adult." Or, "Looks Like You're Approaching 30...Better Start Acting Like It." I miss the Master Sergeant's and Sergeant's Major of my life that gave me all the self-gratification I needed. Not surprisingly, my only fan at work was a Master Sergeant in another life.
Okay, I'm unnecessary. Next, I'm unimportant. I've never exactly blended in with my peers. I'm usually a little smarter, a lot more motivated, a harder worker, and much funnier (obviously.) I've gotten used to my lot in life as a favorite. So now a lonely nerd in a sea of nerds. There's like 300 people that do exactly what I do. How can I stand out in that? I haven't figured it out yet. I almost passed out from hitting my elbow a couple of days ago, that's pretty much the only thing that makes me different from everyone else. It's not exactly cool to be known as the lunatic who passes out at random times. (Sorry, sister) Being a nobody has given my self-worth a hit. I know it shouldn't, but it has none the less.
Unnecessary. Unimportant. Friendless. No friends. The BEST part of work to me has always been the great friends you make. I spend the majority of my day at work, and I have nobody there to relate to. What I mean when I say relate to is...women...there are no women. There are a couple, and they seem very nice, but I feel like if I did try and talk to them on a serious note I would smother them with my friendlessness. Time-out, let me first say that I am truly blessed to have the friends I do have here with me...but Ryan and Khara can't come to work with me. When I think back to school and the jobs I've had...man, I have made the best of friends. But now, while I do work with some people that are completely enjoyable, I don't have any girlfriends that I can talk everyday, all day, and I miss it. While I understand that I should be more concentrated on working than friends, it's nice to work with people you can laugh and talk with so that you actually look forward to going to work everyday. Where are the Katie Glaze's of my life? Where are the Kosha Tucker's? The Erin Biggio's (Wrenn)? The Joy McIntosh's? The Tara Lueneberg's? Ohhhhh me. Maybe I have run out of dear friends. Maybe the Lord has cut me off. I have had more than my share, I guess. But please Lord? Just one more?
(On a side note, thank GOD for my pen-pals that keep me going at work. You all know who you are, but special thanks to Collin and Josh, 2 of the dearest friends a girl could have. Love you guys.)
So, I know this is a depressing post, and I try not to do many of those, but I need some support and help. What can I do? How can I find my motivation again? Is it gone? Is this just the wrong job for me? Am I still just sad that I'm not a soldier anymore? I need some prayers, a friend, and some daily affirmations or something. Lord.
I pray that I grow up.
That I stop being so selfish.
That I stay thankful for at least having a job when so many do not.
That I don't need someone telling me I'm great to continue to work.
That I make a friend.
That I love this job as much as I once did.
That I get the feeling back that I can make a difference.
That I make a difference.
